Friday, December 26, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Sen. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for brazenly trying to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Barack Obama. You don’t buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations; you go out and lie to the American people; you make promises you’re never going to keep — that’s how you become a senator.
Barack Obama said he wouldn’t smoke in the Oval Office. He’s kind of a closet smoker. President Bush actually defended him on this saying he occasionally enjoys a cigar. He says it helps him think . . . apparently it’s a very rare occasion.
President-elect Barack Obama and his family are going to spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. You know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this — the reporters who follow the president. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii.
Earlier today, Obama and Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore, and Biden. So you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime, and the guy who will speak nonstop for our entire lifetime all together in one room.
Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know — is that a big issue for the average American? Hey — if he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.
It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him — Joe Biden got vice president, Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, commerce secretary . . . today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s Christmas party.
Conan O'Brien
President-elect Barack Obama is calling for Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich responded, “I’ll do it if the price is right.”
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama has said he will use his full name when he is sworn in: Barack Hussein Obama. In a show of support, Joe Biden said he would use his full name: Joseph Adolf Fidel Puppy Killer Biden.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama might be the biggest celebrity in the world. There’s nothing about him that isn’t fascinating, as demonstrated by Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN when he said after watching Obama eat, “Interesting to know this: Obama doesn’t like beets.” Wow. That would have been nice to know before we voted.
The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago for trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. Which I guess is illegal.
He’s supposed to appoint somebody. But he’s in Chicago — he has Barack Obama’s seat for sale — shouldn’t he go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for the seat than her?
Sen. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for brazenly trying to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Barack Obama. You don’t buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations; you go out and lie to the American people; you make promises you’re never going to keep — that’s how you become a senator.
Barack Obama said he wouldn’t smoke in the Oval Office. He’s kind of a closet smoker. President Bush actually defended him on this saying he occasionally enjoys a cigar. He says it helps him think . . . apparently it’s a very rare occasion.
President-elect Barack Obama and his family are going to spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. You know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this — the reporters who follow the president. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii.
Earlier today, Obama and Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore, and Biden. So you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime, and the guy who will speak nonstop for our entire lifetime all together in one room.
Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know — is that a big issue for the average American? Hey — if he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.
It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him — Joe Biden got vice president, Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, commerce secretary . . . today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s Christmas party.
Conan O'Brien
President-elect Barack Obama is calling for Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich responded, “I’ll do it if the price is right.”
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama has said he will use his full name when he is sworn in: Barack Hussein Obama. In a show of support, Joe Biden said he would use his full name: Joseph Adolf Fidel Puppy Killer Biden.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama might be the biggest celebrity in the world. There’s nothing about him that isn’t fascinating, as demonstrated by Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN when he said after watching Obama eat, “Interesting to know this: Obama doesn’t like beets.” Wow. That would have been nice to know before we voted.
The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago for trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. Which I guess is illegal.
He’s supposed to appoint somebody. But he’s in Chicago — he has Barack Obama’s seat for sale — shouldn’t he go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for the seat than her?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him — Joe Biden got vice president, Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, commerce secretary . . . today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s Christmas party.
Bill Clinton says he is open to a role in the Obama administration . . . actually, he said he’s looking for a desk. I don’t know what that means.
It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him — Joe Biden got vice president, Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, commerce secretary . . . today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s Christmas party.
Bill Clinton says he is open to a role in the Obama administration . . . actually, he said he’s looking for a desk. I don’t know what that means.
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